Just because it wasnt worse, doesnt mean youre unjustified.



This is gonna stray a bit from my usual topic, but it needs to be said. 

I was sexually assaulted. 

I was forced into a shower with my ex-boyfriend(while we were together). 

I told him I didnt want to shower with him-multiple times, I had an overly romanticized view of showers. I always thought showering with someone should be special and intimate, but not sexual. I knew he didnt think that way. We had conversations about it many times prior to this occasion. 

On this occasion we WERE fooling around. Kissing, touching, playing. He asked me to take a shower with him, I said no(laughing, it was light hearted- I thought). He kept asking, it became less funny. I repeated no over and over again. After a good twenty minutes of him begging and trying to sweet talk me he picked me up off of his bed, carried me into his bathroom, stripped me(I did resist a bit as he removed my clothes, mostly I just refused to help), and put me in the shower with him. 

I just stood there, while he did what he wanted. 

I didnt fight him. He didnt hit me. He didnt rape me. 

I had no bruises or defense wounds. I didnt yell (despite his dad being upstairs). I stopped saying no. 

I was dating him at the time I dated him for nearly two more years(there were other occurrences like this). 

Clearly I have no place to “play victim” now. 

But heres the thing, I am a victim. 

I was fourteen. I had never been with another man. I SAID NO. 

I didnt know. I thought because he didnt physically hurt me that he did nothing wrong. I had no place to talk about my pain, nightmares, or anxiety because I didnt know. 

I was scared, I froze. I didnt know what to do after “no” didnt work. I wanted to run, I wanted to hit him, I wanted to scream, but I. Couldnt. Move. 

He sexually assaulted me, but to this day (despite the realization that something DID happen) I still feel wrong saying it. I feel wrong saying “it happened to me too” because when you hear the worlds sexual assault you dont think of a non-violent occurrence between a boyfriend and girlfriend. 

He forced me into that shower. He carried me into the bathroom, he pulled my clothes off of me, he put me in the shower– All after I said no. 

Dont get me wrong, Im not asking you to feel bad for me or to baby me and treat me as some hurt little girl who needs sympathy(if I was doing that an anonymous blog probably isnt the best spot for it) – Honestly, I havnt even fully accepted that bad things have happened to me. I’m still teaching myself that my nightmares, fears, and anxiety are justified and logical (because as someone with an anxiety disorder, there are a lot of times when they are very illogical). Im sharing my story to make a point. 

Its not just me.

There are woman and men who believe their attacks, rapes, and assaults werent “bad enough” to speak about them or to call fault to them. There are other people who blame themselves because they didnt fight back hard enough or say no loud enough. 

I dont know how we change it, maybe its in what we teach our kids, maybe its in better awareness, I dont know. What I do know is there is a problem. 

I had something similar happen to me and I never thought it was rape. I’m so glad I read this. It made me feel a million times validated. Thank you.

The thing that really got through to me was when I read an article on whether or not someone has to have the intent of raping someone to rape them. The article said that *if someone breaks your arm whether they intended to or not they still broke your arm*.

It doesnt matter if they love you. It doesnt matter if they didnt *know* they were breaking your arm. It doesnt matter. If they broke your arm then thats it, they broke your arm.

If they continued after you declined consent they raped you.

Your pain is valid.