My life is a constant struggle between Christianity and Atheism

You can be a lifestyle christian but theologically atheist. 

Agreeing with/participating in the beliefs(as in moral guidelines) or traditions of Christianity, but being an atheist when it comes to whether you think a god exists. 

Or you can believe that the christian origin story is correct, but be nonpracticing/irreligious. 

Agnostic Christians are also totally a thing (agnostic atheists as well). Beliefs can over lap and you can definitely hold more than one. 

You don’t have to label yourself, just discover your perspective and accept it how it is, but if you’re like me and are more comfortable with labels good luck on your journey lol 

Thanks. I was raised baptist so I kind of have that instilled in me, but I’m not one to believe in things I can not be seen or scientifically proven, I’ve actually been thinking about studding Buddhism and see what it has. I really don’t want to follow a religion that condemns being gay or being sent to hell for suicide, but then again I don’t want to go to hell if it exists. You feel me?

When it comes to hell it’s my belief that any god who punishes people who try to be the best person they could be simply because that person failed to worship said deity then that deity wasn’t deserving of worship.

I personally would rather be sent to hell than waste my time following the rules of a religion that may or may not be right when I can simply be the ebst I can be right now. 

 but I do understand the fear, I hope you sort it all out, Friend.