Thoughts of a sexual assault/abuse survivor
*note these are my personal thoughts- cant speak for anyone else- feel free to reblog or add*
– I hate him
– Is he happy? – Is he suffering
-Does he miss me? – is he thinking about me- does he think about me when he’s pleasuring himself?- does he touch my stuff I left at his house?
-Is he talking to other girls? -Can I find out or warn them? -That’s not my job- but I let him go so it is my fault.
-will he come here? – is that him on the street?
-did he make a new account to follow/look at my social media?- Is he reading this?- did I forget to block one of his accounts? – should I unblock his account to see if he’s talking about me or to help potential other girls?
– will I be able to be sexual again? – am I going to have a panic attack the first time I try? – I think I’m ready to date – I’m not ready to date
-Its been a year I talk about him too much – don’t talk to her(best friend-1) about that you ALWAYS talk to her about that- You always go to her(2) when you think she(1) doesn’t want to hear it- STOP TALKING ABOUT IT
-Its been over a year stop thinking about him
-It wasn’t you’re fault- you justified it and stayed for almost three years when you knew better, it was your fault – don’t victim blame yourself – I could have done better for me and everyone else
-How did you not know he was sexually abusing you?- You had to of seen it.- I need to stop blaming myself
-You cant take responsibilities for his actions- But I knew about her and I thought about warning her and chose not to because HE said he wasnt being sexual to her. Of course he said that to me – I could have warned her – I let him destroy her the way he destroyed me
– STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM
– That’s not him he’s not here
– You victim blamed her. You did that. You chose not to believe another victim- You were 14, he was your boyfriend, you couldn’t even see what he was doing to you let alone what he did to her, and she forgave you- no she didn’t, she said she did because she read my story, shes lying, not only did he destroy her, I did. I need to take responsibility for that.
– five woman, two after you left him. If you had known better and spoke up you could have locked him away/ruined his rep/stopped him. Those two would be fine. probably more now. – But she(refer to one above) spoke out and it didn’t save you or the other two – You had more though, more details more, more information, more proof, YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED HIM- I should have stopped him
-GET OUT OF MY HEAD
-You had consensual sex with him, after leaving, after he hurt you – I thought I owed him that for leaving him – He never told you that – No he just forced me to do everything else and made me believe I owed him everything for three years, when I took everything away I felt like I had to give him the biggest compensation I could – and yet it was YOU who chose to have sex with him. He even asked if you were sure- THAT one is your fault- Take responsibility.
– I could pretend to be someone else, someone young, and report him when he tries something. He is twenty and talked to a 13 year old about her breasts(Ive seen screenshots) you could do it- Your recovery is more important – More important than all the girls he can hurt? no. no its not – But you cant do it can you? – no… I cant.
– Your recovery matters – How can you recover if all you do is think about recovery?
– I need to talk about him. I need to talk about it. I need to talk about sexual assault and abuse. I need to get it out of my head and talkkkkkk.- No one wants to hear it again.
-You post about it too much on your tumblr – thats not the purpose of your blog.
-I need to be heard
-too many people have heard
– I need to be heard – tell more- talk about it more
-why did I let him do this to me?
-Dont message her(other woman he victimized) if shes not thinking about him she will the moment she sees your name – the reason were friends is to talk about it – but you hate when she messages you for the same reason- yes but I always respond and hold the conversation because she needs it, now I need it cant she do the same? – dont intrude on her recovery.
– Everything is triggering – I hate the word triggering – I need to get a therapist
– Do I have PTSD? – no just G.A.D. and trauma. Dont self diagnose, see a therapist.
– *in the midst of a million fast paced normal happy thoughts* You hate him. – what, why, why did he come up. nothing was about him, no coorelation I WASNT THINKING ABOUT HIM
-*has nightmares about stabbing him, he isnt phased* I wish I could stab him for real- no you dont youre a pacifist and could never hurt anyone even him- While were on the topic lets think about that nightmare you had while dating him where he raped you while a party was happening upstairs and no one knew, did you really not think that was a sign of what he was diong to you? – no, because I had nightmares of being raped all the time, not just by him, it was normal – and when did they stop? – Two months after leaving him… I should have known
-stop watching/reading/listening to stuff on sexual assault, think about something else
– you could call him out, with name this time. Tag him. Make it known who he is… What if he sues me? can he? slander? its true, but can I prove it now? no. I cant… I dont want to get in trouble- Id take the social heat just fine, but real trouble? no… I need to protect people. but how
– ITS. NOT. YOURE. FAULT
– try that online support group again… – its not enough
– it is my fault
– That man smelled like him – I cant breathe – I might throw up
– *fb memory pops up* Im wearing his jacket here- thats his shirt – he was in a picture in this post but I deleted it – hes blocked but his name is still here, I have to edit that – GO AWAY
– What if he finds another way to get into youre life? – no contact orders should be easier to get – six hours away means nothing when he has a computer and a car – he’s done it so many times, why would he stop now?
– Maybe he’ll kill himself – dont say you want him to die, thats wrong, no one should die- I dont, I want him to want him to die, I want him locked away where he cant hurt anyone again
-Does his mom know?- Did she know while I was in her car?- Did she know while I was with him?- Has she known since he was little?- She knew he hurt his sister when he was little, but maybe she like me justified it, maybe she believes he didnt know better, he was little- Does she know about me at all or why I left?- Does she pretend to not know?- Does it hurt her?- I hope it doesnt hurt her… – What if she doesnt know?- Does she think she raised a good son?- Why do I care about her thoughts and feelings so much?- Its not her fault
– When your professor asked if you were okay she was asking if something with him happened again or was bugging you- that wasnt the problem, but now it is.
-make a therapist appointment.
-Why havent you made a therapist appointment
-I feel sick
-stop poking the bruises – you dont need to keep going over it in your head- You wont forget- other people want to forget- I wont forget- I have to remember what he did- the details- go over it again.
-STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP
– NO MORE. No more him. no more sex. no more anything. JUST NO MORE.
-I need to speak up for sexual assault awareness month. A voice for the voiceless and prisoner tongues and all that. I want to do this. – It might set you back – Well Im not exactly moving forward anyways right now am I?
– I need to wash him off. Wash him away. He hasnt touched me in over a year, but today? today I need to wash him away again, because today I can feel him all over my skin
-Will I forget what he looks like? I cant do that… I need to be able to recognize him
-Keep or delete these pictures? – Hide them. in a file in a file in a file, so you never have to see them, but so theyre there