Category: abuse

Regular

You can’t tell me he’s not king.

This post is partly to brag about my boyfriend, but mostly for those who saw my post(s) about my abusive ex.

For those who were or are where I was in my past relationship.

For those scared to date again.

There are good people out there. Good men. Patient men. – Im not saying you should force yourself to get back out there. Take your time. I couldnt even go on a casual date before him. And theres still a lot of anxiety anf fear. I may have even gotten into this too quickly(and its been two years since I got free from the abusive relationship I was in).

But this man, he is pure gold. After our first date we discussed boundaries. After the first time we hung out in his dorm we discussed them again. I literally cannot count the amount of times we’ve discussed boundaires. Both me and him bringing it up.

You know what else I can’t count? The amount of times I’ve recieved a message like that. A message of him telling me how happy I make him, and how thankful he is for me letting him in. Because he knows. He knows its hard for me. He listens and understands.

People like this exist. And it can be so much better than you’d imagine.

Just don’t give up completely.

Regular

Do you ever get those feelings that feel like physical things inside you and you wonder if you opened yourself up and rearranged if they would stop?

Or is that just me?

Regular

My insides are splintering

“My insides are splintering and Im afraid if I sleep I will have nightmares again” I say to the friend who jokingly asked why I wasnt asleep since its passed my bed time(I usually go to sleep super early, its 2am)

“Haha did you eat wood” he playfully responds

“No, it was forced down my throat” I say.

“…right” is all he responds. Because, again, I have turned our playful banter to depressing talk. Because again I’ve brought up a conversation that he doesn’t want to hear about. Because he expects that next I will bring “him” up. But I wont bring “him” up, because I know that my friend doesnt want to hear about it again.

For now we will talk about nightlights and other childish solutions to a not so childish problem, if anything, maybe, this can serve as a distraction.

Yet still, my insides are splintering and I cant sleep because Im afraid the nightmares that stopped over a year ago are going to return.

Because my insides are splintering.

Regular

Thoughts of a sexual assault/abuse survivor

*note these are my personal thoughts- cant speak for anyone else- feel free to reblog or add*

– I hate him

– Is he happy? – Is he suffering

-Does he miss me? – is he thinking about me- does he think about me when he’s pleasuring himself?- does he touch my stuff I left at his house?

-Is he talking to other girls? -Can I find out or warn them? -That’s not my job- but I let him go so it is my fault.

-will he come here? – is that him on the street?

-did he make a new account to follow/look at my social media?- Is he reading this?- did I forget to block one of his accounts? – should I unblock his account to see if he’s talking about me or to help potential other girls?

– will I be able to be sexual again? – am I going to have a panic attack the first time I try? – I think I’m ready to date – I’m not ready to date

-Its been a year I talk about him too much – don’t talk to her(best friend-1) about that you ALWAYS talk to her about that- You always go to her(2) when you think she(1) doesn’t want to hear it- STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

-Its been over a year stop thinking about him

-It wasn’t you’re fault- you justified it and stayed for almost three years when you knew better, it was your fault – don’t victim blame yourself – I could have done better for me and everyone else

-How did you not know he was sexually abusing you?- You had to of seen it.- I need to stop blaming myself

-You cant take responsibilities for his actions- But I knew about her and I thought about warning her and chose not to because HE said he wasnt being sexual to her. Of course he said that to me – I could have warned her – I let him destroy her the way he destroyed me

– STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM

– That’s not him he’s not here

– You victim blamed her. You did that. You chose not to believe another victim- You were 14, he was your boyfriend, you couldn’t even see what he was doing to you let alone what he did to her, and she forgave you- no she didn’t, she said she did because she read my story, shes lying, not only did he destroy her, I did. I need to take responsibility for that.

– five woman, two after you left him. If you had known better and spoke up you could have locked him away/ruined his rep/stopped him. Those two would be fine. probably more now. – But she(refer to one above) spoke out and it didn’t save you or the other two – You had more though, more details more, more information, more proof, YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED HIM- I should have stopped him

-GET OUT OF MY HEAD

-You had consensual sex with him, after leaving, after he hurt you – I thought I owed him that for leaving him – He never told you that – No he just forced me to do everything else and made me believe I owed him everything for three years, when I took everything away I felt like I had to give him the biggest compensation I could – and yet it was YOU who chose to have sex with him. He even asked if you were sure- THAT one is your fault- Take responsibility.

– I could pretend to be someone else, someone young, and report him when he tries something. He is twenty and talked to a 13 year old about her breasts(Ive seen screenshots) you could do it- Your recovery is more important – More important than all the girls he can hurt? no. no its not – But you cant do it can you? – no… I cant.

– Your recovery matters – How can you recover if all you do is think about recovery?

– I need to talk about him. I need to talk about it. I need to talk about sexual assault and abuse. I need to get it out of my head and talkkkkkk.- No one wants to hear it again.

-You post about it too much on your tumblr – thats not the purpose of your blog.

-I need to be heard

-too many people have heard

– I need to be heard – tell more- talk about it more

-why did I let him do this to me?

-Dont message her(other woman he victimized) if shes not thinking about him she will the moment she sees your name – the reason were friends is to talk about it – but you hate when she messages you for the same reason- yes but I always respond and hold the conversation because she needs it, now I need it cant she do the same? – dont intrude on her recovery.

– Everything is triggering – I hate the word triggering – I need to get a therapist

– Do I have PTSD? – no just G.A.D. and trauma. Dont self diagnose, see a therapist.

– *in the midst of a million fast paced normal happy thoughts* You hate him. – what, why, why did he come up. nothing was about him, no coorelation I WASNT THINKING ABOUT HIM

-*has nightmares about stabbing him, he isnt phased* I wish I could stab him for real- no you dont youre a pacifist and could never hurt anyone even him- While were on the topic lets think about that nightmare you had while dating him where he raped you while a party was happening upstairs and no one knew, did you really not think that was a sign of what he was diong to you? – no, because I had nightmares of being raped all the time, not just by him, it was normal – and when did they stop? – Two months after leaving him… I should have known

-stop watching/reading/listening to stuff on sexual assault, think about something else

– you could call him out, with name this time. Tag him. Make it known who he is… What if he sues me? can he? slander? its true, but can I prove it now? no. I cant… I dont want to get in trouble- Id take the social heat just fine, but real trouble? no… I need to protect people. but how

– ITS. NOT. YOURE. FAULT

– try that online support group again… – its not enough

– it is my fault

– That man smelled like him – I cant breathe – I might throw up

– *fb memory pops up* Im wearing his jacket here- thats his shirt – he was in a picture in this post but I deleted it – hes blocked but his name is still here, I have to edit that – GO AWAY

– What if he finds another way to get into youre life? – no contact orders should be easier to get – six hours away means nothing when he has a computer and a car – he’s done it so many times, why would he stop now?

– Maybe he’ll kill himself – dont say you want him to die, thats wrong, no one should die- I dont, I want him to want him to die, I want him locked away where he cant hurt anyone again

-Does his mom know?- Did she know while I was in her car?- Did she know while I was with him?- Has she known since he was little?- She knew he hurt his sister when he was little, but maybe she like me justified it, maybe she believes he didnt know better, he was little- Does she know about me at all or why I left?- Does she pretend to not know?- Does it hurt her?- I hope it doesnt hurt her… – What if she doesnt know?- Does she think she raised a good son?- Why do I care about her thoughts and feelings so much?- Its not her fault

– When your professor asked if you were okay she was asking if something with him happened again or was bugging you- that wasnt the problem, but now it is.

-make a therapist appointment.

-Why havent you made a therapist appointment

-I feel sick

-stop poking the bruises – you dont need to keep going over it in your head- You wont forget- other people want to forget- I wont forget- I have to remember what he did- the details- go over it again.

-STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP

– NO MORE. No more him. no more sex. no more anything. JUST NO MORE.

-I need to speak up for sexual assault awareness month. A voice for the voiceless and prisoner tongues and all that. I want to do this. – It might set you back – Well Im not exactly moving forward anyways right now am I?

– I need to wash him off. Wash him away. He hasnt touched me in over a year, but today? today I need to wash him away again, because today I can feel him all over my skin

-Will I forget what he looks like? I cant do that… I need to be able to recognize him

-Keep or delete these pictures? – Hide them. in a file in a file in a file, so you never have to see them, but so theyre there

The girl who knew

I was the girl who knew better. 
I was the girl who knew girls never owed anything to boys.
I was the girl who knew that bad people can be anyone.
I was the girl who knew that relationships do not need to involve sex. 
I was the girl who knew a millions of reasons for saying no. 
I was the girl who knew a million ways of saying no. 
I was the girl who knew that before sex is a conversation.
I was the girl who knew I had to lay out what was okay and what wasn’t. 
I was the girl who knew how to speak up and use her voice.
I was the girl who knew when to fight back.
I was the girl who knew self defense was a viable option.
I was taught my whole life by my parents- I was taught my worth and my right to my body. I was taught by my school and teachers. I was given worksheets about how, why, and when you should say no. I was taught by my siblings and friends…
Never leave your drink unattended.
Never go alone.
Never say yes when you mean no.
Never stop at no if they continue- fight back.
Never remain silent. 
Never give your worth up to someone else. 
Never. Never. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. 

I was the girl who knew better. 

Until I wasn’t. 

I was thirteen when my boyfriend used my hand and my body while I watched the tv, lifeless, unmoving, watching tv and pretending I wasn’t there. 
I was thirteen when I thought about saying no, but then something told me “he’s your boyfriend, this is what boyfriend and girlfriends do” and I no longer knew. 
I was thirteen when I told myself that he didn’t know, that he didn’t notice my static, that he truly believed I was enjoying it too. That it was just a misunderstanding. And besides, I knew better, I should have said no.
I was fourteen when the same boy begged me to go down on my knees to “just get it over with” and “finish him off” because his dad was home and we had to hurry. He told me this despite knowing I didn’t feel comfortable continuing with his dad home. He said this to me despite knowing that I told him I would never go on my knees for him, multiple times, and long before we had ever even been alone. He said “please” while blocking my only exit. I told myself that I wasn’t clear enough. That I should have refused without giving in. That I didn’t say no enough. That I knew better. 
I was fifteen when the same boy forced me into his shower. Another thing I told him I would not do with him. He thought my “no’s” were just me playing. He misunderstood. He doesn’t know better. I know better. I should have said it louder. I should have said it meaner. I should have screamed or fought or pushed him away. He would have stopped then. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. I knew better. 

I was thirteen when I met a man I once called “my first love”. I was thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen when I was warned that he was “not a good guy”. That there was “something just off about him”. That he was “dangerous”. But he was my boyfriend, and they didn’t know him, and they didn’t know better. I knew better. I was just a girl who thought I knew better. 

I was seventeen when I realized I didn’t know better. 

I was seventeen when I realized that none of my justifications made sense. I was seventeen when I realized that talking about saying no and needing to say it are two different things. I was seventeen when I realized knowing what to do after “no” doesn’t work is not something you can prepare a 15 year old for through worksheets. I was seventeen when I realized that I needed to stop calling him my “ex” and start calling him what he really is- a sexual predator. I was seventeen when I realized the most heartbreaking part of this story, that I was not his only victim. I was seventeen when I finally began to know better. Better than my parents, and better than my teachers, and better than me. There is nothing we can do to stop sexual assault besides stopping the ones who commit the crime. 

I was seventeen when I finally learned that it is NEVER the victims fault. 

And though I know, something I have had to learn in the worst of ways is knowing and acting on it are two different things. Maybe someday the victim in me will believe it too. Maybe some day all of me will believe that this was not my fault… but right now, I dont know. 

Fuck forgiveness.You do not have to forgive people in order to move on. Forgivness is not the same…

Fuck forgiveness.

You do not have to forgive people in order to move on.

Forgivness is not the same as letting go of a gruge.

Forgivenes is not the equivilant of moving on.

Forgiveness is not required in your healing process.

Stop telling people that they need to forgive their abusers, oppressors, or those who ignored their pain.

Stop telling people they’re only healthy if they forgive these people.

You can move on without fogiving those who hurt you or allowed you to be hurt. You can let go of a gruge and a earning for revenge without forgiving them. You do not need to forgive anyone.

For some survivors forgivness is an amazing tool that helps them move on, please consider it. If it might help you then work towards it.

But you dont have to.

You dont have to forgive anyone.

They are not entitled to your forgiveness. You are not required to give it.

Forgivness is a choice, people need to stop taking away choices from those who have already had so many taken away.

You can move foward, you can heal, you can let go of bitterness, and yet still, you can choose NOT to forgive them.

Forgivness is up to you. You hold it. It is not something you have to hand out to everyone who does you wrong.

If it isn’t right for you, then fuck forgiveness, and fuck the people who treat it like a necessity.

You can find yourself without forgiving those who made you lost in the first place.

Just because it wasnt worse, doesnt mean youre unjustified.

This is gonna stray a bit from my usual topic, but it needs to be said. 

I was sexually assaulted. 

I was forced into a shower with my ex-boyfriend(while we were together). 

I told him I didnt want to shower with him-multiple times, I had an overly romanticized view of showers. I always thought showering with someone should be special and intimate, but not sexual. I knew he didnt think that way. We had conversations about it many times prior to this occasion. 

On this occasion we WERE fooling around. Kissing, touching, playing. He asked me to take a shower with him, I said no(laughing, it was light hearted- I thought). He kept asking, it became less funny. I repeated no over and over again. After a good twenty minutes of him begging and trying to sweet talk me he picked me up off of his bed, carried me into his bathroom, stripped me(I did resist a bit as he removed my clothes, mostly I just refused to help), and put me in the shower with him. 

I just stood there, while he did what he wanted. 

I didnt fight him. He didnt hit me. He didnt rape me. 

I had no bruises or defense wounds. I didnt yell (despite his dad being upstairs). I stopped saying no. 

I was dating him at the time I dated him for nearly two more years(there were other occurrences like this). 

Clearly I have no place to “play victim” now. 

But heres the thing, I am a victim. 

I was fourteen. I had never been with another man. I SAID NO. 

I didnt know. I thought because he didnt physically hurt me that he did nothing wrong. I had no place to talk about my pain, nightmares, or anxiety because I didnt know. 

I was scared, I froze. I didnt know what to do after “no” didnt work. I wanted to run, I wanted to hit him, I wanted to scream, but I. Couldnt. Move. 

He sexually assaulted me, but to this day (despite the realization that something DID happen) I still feel wrong saying it. I feel wrong saying “it happened to me too” because when you hear the worlds sexual assault you dont think of a non-violent occurrence between a boyfriend and girlfriend. 

He forced me into that shower. He carried me into the bathroom, he pulled my clothes off of me, he put me in the shower– All after I said no. 

Dont get me wrong, Im not asking you to feel bad for me or to baby me and treat me as some hurt little girl who needs sympathy(if I was doing that an anonymous blog probably isnt the best spot for it) – Honestly, I havnt even fully accepted that bad things have happened to me. I’m still teaching myself that my nightmares, fears, and anxiety are justified and logical (because as someone with an anxiety disorder, there are a lot of times when they are very illogical). Im sharing my story to make a point. 

Its not just me.

There are woman and men who believe their attacks, rapes, and assaults werent “bad enough” to speak about them or to call fault to them. There are other people who blame themselves because they didnt fight back hard enough or say no loud enough. 

I dont know how we change it, maybe its in what we teach our kids, maybe its in better awareness, I dont know. What I do know is there is a problem.