Category: survivor


You can’t tell me he’s not king.

This post is partly to brag about my boyfriend, but mostly for those who saw my post(s) about my abusive ex.

For those who were or are where I was in my past relationship.

For those scared to date again.

There are good people out there. Good men. Patient men. – Im not saying you should force yourself to get back out there. Take your time. I couldnt even go on a casual date before him. And theres still a lot of anxiety anf fear. I may have even gotten into this too quickly(and its been two years since I got free from the abusive relationship I was in).

But this man, he is pure gold. After our first date we discussed boundaries. After the first time we hung out in his dorm we discussed them again. I literally cannot count the amount of times we’ve discussed boundaires. Both me and him bringing it up.

You know what else I can’t count? The amount of times I’ve recieved a message like that. A message of him telling me how happy I make him, and how thankful he is for me letting him in. Because he knows. He knows its hard for me. He listens and understands.

People like this exist. And it can be so much better than you’d imagine.

Just don’t give up completely.

Just because it wasnt worse, doesnt mean youre unjustified.

This is gonna stray a bit from my usual topic, but it needs to be said. 

I was sexually assaulted. 

I was forced into a shower with my ex-boyfriend(while we were together). 

I told him I didnt want to shower with him-multiple times, I had an overly romanticized view of showers. I always thought showering with someone should be special and intimate, but not sexual. I knew he didnt think that way. We had conversations about it many times prior to this occasion. 

On this occasion we WERE fooling around. Kissing, touching, playing. He asked me to take a shower with him, I said no(laughing, it was light hearted- I thought). He kept asking, it became less funny. I repeated no over and over again. After a good twenty minutes of him begging and trying to sweet talk me he picked me up off of his bed, carried me into his bathroom, stripped me(I did resist a bit as he removed my clothes, mostly I just refused to help), and put me in the shower with him. 

I just stood there, while he did what he wanted. 

I didnt fight him. He didnt hit me. He didnt rape me. 

I had no bruises or defense wounds. I didnt yell (despite his dad being upstairs). I stopped saying no. 

I was dating him at the time I dated him for nearly two more years(there were other occurrences like this). 

Clearly I have no place to “play victim” now. 

But heres the thing, I am a victim. 

I was fourteen. I had never been with another man. I SAID NO. 

I didnt know. I thought because he didnt physically hurt me that he did nothing wrong. I had no place to talk about my pain, nightmares, or anxiety because I didnt know. 

I was scared, I froze. I didnt know what to do after “no” didnt work. I wanted to run, I wanted to hit him, I wanted to scream, but I. Couldnt. Move. 

He sexually assaulted me, but to this day (despite the realization that something DID happen) I still feel wrong saying it. I feel wrong saying “it happened to me too” because when you hear the worlds sexual assault you dont think of a non-violent occurrence between a boyfriend and girlfriend. 

He forced me into that shower. He carried me into the bathroom, he pulled my clothes off of me, he put me in the shower– All after I said no. 

Dont get me wrong, Im not asking you to feel bad for me or to baby me and treat me as some hurt little girl who needs sympathy(if I was doing that an anonymous blog probably isnt the best spot for it) – Honestly, I havnt even fully accepted that bad things have happened to me. I’m still teaching myself that my nightmares, fears, and anxiety are justified and logical (because as someone with an anxiety disorder, there are a lot of times when they are very illogical). Im sharing my story to make a point. 

Its not just me.

There are woman and men who believe their attacks, rapes, and assaults werent “bad enough” to speak about them or to call fault to them. There are other people who blame themselves because they didnt fight back hard enough or say no loud enough. 

I dont know how we change it, maybe its in what we teach our kids, maybe its in better awareness, I dont know. What I do know is there is a problem.